New Client… Check. New Tie… Check. Big Smile… Check. Business Jargon… Check… wait, what?
Trying to gain the upper hand in the business world is no easy task. There’s an abundance of etiquette you have to adhere to and a lot of buzzwords you have to fit in. In fact, we’ve developed so much jargon that it can be hard to understand what people are actually saying!
Consider the end of a meeting: as soon as you round off a summit with an ‘end of play’ (simple, easy to understand) buzzword, your client will no doubt jump in with a ‘let’s flesh this out tomorrow’ (what?) comment. Make no mistake; it is like a competition of who can fit the most in!
I mean everyone drops in one or two to help navigate the often busy business world, but if you’re using clangers like ‘let’s touch base’ or ‘we’ll box it off’ often, then research by the University of California-Berkeley says you’re most likely inadvertently showing that in reality you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.
Having said that, watching out for ridiculous business jargon can be so much fun. Maybe you are at a boring meeting, or attending a tedious conference; why not see how many of these ridiculous jargon phrases you can spot.
1. Apple Polish
Used frequently when discussing a colleague who is trying to suck up or flatter a manager, boss or client. Although at first to be called an ‘Apple Polisher’ may sound offensive, knowing how to correctly ‘polish the apple’ can be an art.
2. Backburner
The term Backburner is often used in a polite biz speak way to ask someone to stop or delay a project. Using this term can also be a biz speak way to explain why you have not achieved a measured aim. For example ‘Yes the adverts failed, but I put the budget on the backburner’. Why backburner? No idea.
3. Clocksucker
One of the most offensive jargon terms, a clocksucker is a colleague who is unproductive to the company and is there to waste time. If you overhear a client calling you a clocksucker, it may be time to improve your service.
4. Deja Moo & Deferred Success
To experience Deja Moo is to experience Déjà vu, except you are recalling a situation where you have heard the offending lies before. Deja Moo would be a perfectly acceptable response to hearing about your colleagues ‘deferred success’ for the third quarter in a row.
5. Ego Surfing
Ego Surfing, a highly prevalent act among colleagues who have just been introduced to the internet and how to work a search engine. In a sentence a manager may say, ‘I caught Sally Ego Surfing today; I think she wants to leave us’.
6. Facetime & F2F
Facetime or F2F is a hip new way, many cool bosses or clients use to call a person to person meeting. F2F is to the business world what ‘Let’s have a chat’ is to normal people.
7. Goat Rodeo
Goat Rodeo, the simpleton’s way to say ‘we achieved nothing in that meeting and everything is even more confusing’. People using the term Goat Rodeo will generally hold Goat Rodeo meetings as nobody has a clue what they’re talking about.
8. High Wire Act
Committing a High Wire Act is to take business decisions that are deliberately risky, for overall entertainment. The term may be used when a client sacks an agency. ‘The Agency was committing too many High Wire Acts that never had the real benefits we expected.’
9. Idea Shower
Often used in Start Up Tech companies, the term ‘Idea Shower’ is starting to creep into the common vocabulary of most work places. To take an ‘Idea Shower’ is to participate in a group exercise in which participants make rapid suggestions in quick succession.
10. Jobfuscate
A tactic often employed by agencies, Jobfuscate is a term used to describe how someone has employed business tactics which make their job seem particularly complex.
11. Knowledge Density
Used when describing how much a particular client knows on a given subject, Knowledge Density is often a term employed to describe where advantages can be taken. For example, ‘She has the Knowledge Density of a goldfish when it comes to cars. Let’s try and push the price up.’
12. Lost the bubble
Has your marketing team lost the bubble? This term is often followed by the ‘head ready for the chop’ jargon, as to ‘lose the bubble’ is for you to neglect or forget about a project, to the point where a serious advantage or opportunity has been missed.
13. Management Porn
Are you using management porn to avoid doing work? Management porn is a clever tactic where a colleague fills a slide or OT Mail (Slide 15) with a long list of useless facts and figures. This is the statistical equivalent of a magician’s distraction theory.
14. Negatron & Negative Nancy
Inspired by the Transformers Movie, to be a Negatron is to be a very negative human Megatron. Negatron seems to have replaced the old school jargon, Negative Nancy, but we fully expect it to revert back to its less annoying term over time.
15. OT Mail
Are you committing OT mail? Also known as Overtime Mail? It’s the malicious act of trying to ‘Polish the Apple’ by sending your boss or client superfluous emails just to let him know you ‘care’ outside of the 9-5. A tactic that has grown over time, OT mail is diluting the presence of hardworking colleagues.
16. Pig in a Python
Pig in a python is the over zealous jargon used by colleagues or agencies to describe how a task is moving along. It is often used to lighten the mood when a client enquires about the slow movement of a project.
17. Quick Win
A term often employed by clients or agencies when discussing tactics, a quick win is a success which can be achieved in a short period of time. As a strategy, it usually involves capitalising on the misfortune of the others.
18. Ready, Fire, Aim
Ready, Fire, Aim can often be used to describe both a failing project and one that is ready for launch, but the details can be included later. For example, in a failing project, ‘It was too much like Ready, Fire, Aim. The research just wasn’t there to back up the project’, or in another example ‘The project needs to go today, don’t worry about the details. Just Ready, Fire, Aim and fill out the details later’.
19. Sausage and Sizzle
A term often used by excitable managers or agencies, you may hear this term when discussing why a project has not been completed yet. ‘Yes, the project should be ready tomorrow, we have the Sausage (substance) but we just need to add the sizzle (marketing spin).
20. Travel Dazzle
If you’ve ever travelled with the boss to a conference or meeting, then you’ll know how great of an opportunity it is to impress. Whether you pull a few jokes or pitch a great idea, many people know this as Travel Dazzling.
21. UBER
Often seen as a cool or hip term, using the word UBER and adding it to your vocabulary could be an uber fatal move. See what I did there? Uber Bad. It sounds awful.
22. Value-Add
Talk about trying to break the English language! Hearing this from a colleague is a clear red signal that they’re adding no value. Erase it and start it again.
23. WAG
Often used to describe the Wives or Girlfriends of famous sports stars, the word WAG has slowly crept into the list of acronyms we use in our daily lives. Unfortunately in biz speak this one stands for Wild Assed Guess and whereas I may join the celebration that you got it right this time, I will lose all faith in you getting in right the next time.
24. Xerox Subsidy
The Xerox Subsidy, often seen as a plus point for working in a busy office, it’s estimated that businesses have lost £300 million due to the office printing habit. This really makes it no laughing matter and should further support the destruction of this phrase.
25. White Collar Yield Loss
Is your business suffering from White Collar Yield Loss? Also known as the severe drop in productivity due to trending issues or popular culture? This phrase was first coined to describe the effect Facebook was having across all departments.
26. Zero Cycles
If you have no time to spare then why waste that precious time coming up with absolutely frivolous phrases, that I’m only going to have to clarify further? Yep, it makes no sense.
What business jargon do you hate? Post in the comments below and I’ll add it to the list!
Jargon Credit: The Wonderful Officelife